圖：Paul Delvaux （1897 － 1944）
身心極度疲累的一週過去後，這個禮拜又開始失眠了。祇要不吃藥就無法入眠，但我真的不想成為被藥左右的俘虜，服藥雖然得以帶來深眠，但過敏、口乾及四肢無力的副作用，又是另一種折磨，對這副身體，難道沒有兩全其美的解決方法嗎？
難得的，有了想寫的動力，許多起了筆的殘篇也許可以好好地整理繼續，昨天腦海裏浮現不斷的「逃跑」二字，定有什麼意義在裏面吧。
經常惦着養護所的朋友。大振爺爺、美珍姐姐、林爺爺……還有那幾位越南籍的弟妹們，但我沒有勇氣去看他們，為什麼需要勇氣是連我自己也不知道的、不該是問題的問題，也許是害怕看到他們顯露出對我失望的神情吧。在醫院照顧父親的那幾日，我想起他們，若不是曾照顧他們、與他們相處，恐怕我會更加地無所適從。
有時我想，或許我是個無情的人。在看顧父親的這件事上，似乎我是利用了養護所的爺爺奶奶們來預習了；不然起碼也是個不孝的子女。
在我還很小的時候，父母就曾「抱怨」我對朋友比對自己親人好；在照顧父親時，尤其是處理解手、更換墊布的多次瞬間，我真的將父親與養護所的爺爺奶奶們「一視同仁」了，這種感覺似乎是不對的、不應該的，但我不曉得且無能控制地，它就是這樣。我與人的關係並非沒有親疏之分，那細微而玄妙的差別，祇在某種特殊情狀下出現，我雖能分別它瞬間轉換時的不同，祇是外人、甚或我自己，有時也無法明確分辨。我該為此而內疚嗎？如果有人願意相信，「分別」與「無分別」確實深深困擾我，讓我無聊地思索起是因為與生俱來的性格還是累世劫來的習念，我樂於將外人當成親人，但在面對真正親人時剎那產生的平常心，卻使我感到深深的愧疚。
且讓我說一件更不可原諒的事吧。在獲悉父親罹癌的時候，我震驚而難過，當下自然是不願接受的──若有什麼辦法可以療治父親，我什麼都願意去做；朋友告訴我可以持唸「佛說療痔病經」與「寶篋印陀羅尼經」時，我卻起了疑惑：這豈非就是一種執念呢，明知是妄想執着，卻還不肯放下而去攀緣強求，不就成了經上所指的「可憐愍者」麼。這便是我的矛盾。因為我想，在父親重病的情況下，任何一個有孝心的人，應當會毫無猶豫的去做吧！
有時我擔心自己思想上的猶疑，懷疑那些被我服下的藥可能是最大的推手，致使我無法肯定所想的是否是真正自己所想的。現在的我還是「我」嗎？亦或是被藥物改造出來的人呢？確實醫學上有許多實例證明精神用藥對人腦造成的影響，所有精神病患者的情緒之所以能被控制，定然是以自身本具部分的「真」去交換了。理性上，為了避免情緒上的失控，所以避開了所有可能的人事物，似乎這是理智思考下最聰明的選擇，然而我氣惱自己無法當自己的主人，在父親、親友之間，還有養護所及認識不論親疏的人面前，我的情感模糊、情緒是不完整的，因為它掺雜了藥物的作用在裏面，所謂的理性與情緒化的歇斯底里都不是純然的，但我能完全歸咎於藥物嗎；我還是要埋怨，藥吃久了，自然不得已地成為真正的病人。
到底霸佔我身心不適感的是什麼呢？是多愁善感的性格或是憂鬱不眠，還是因為我吃藥或沒吃藥呢？為反抗而反抗，卻使我成了俘虜，卻不知道我真正的敵人是誰。
-2008-06-12-
感謝音樂／歌詞提供：歐洋 
Michel Berger 是法國最受歡迎的音樂人之一，1992年意外心臟病發死亡，留給人們無限惋惜。他創作的歌曲，至今仍常會播放傳唱，彷彿還每天陪伴著我們。
這裡Quelques mots d'amour的版本為其好友Véronique Sanson於1995年的現唱演唱版本。
Quelques mots d'amour | 一些愛的話語 |
Michel Berger : Biography
Michel Berger (28 November 1947, Neuilly-sur-Seine – 2 August 1992, Ramatuelle), born Michel-Jean Hamburger, was a very successful French singer and songwriter. He was a central figure of France’s pop music scene for two decades both as a singer and as a songwriter for well-known French artists like his wife France Gall, Véronique Sanson and Johnny Hallyday. He died suddenly of a heart attack at the age of 44. Biography Berger was the son of the famous doctor Jean Hamburger and concert pianist Annette Haas, both of whom were Polish Jews. Berger first became known to the French public in the 1960s as singer of hit song Salut les copains, after which he became record producer and songwriter for EMI and where he wrote amongst others Les Girafes for Bourvil in 1967. In the early 1970s, he moved to Warner Music where he produced the early albums of Véronique Sanson, and Allah once again in 1989. In 1973, he was responsible for producing the album Message personnel, the title track of which relaunched the career of Françoise Hardy. He also produced the single Je suis moi for Hardy. Berger started writing for France Gall in 1974, produced all her albums from 1975, and married her on 22 June 1976. In 1985, he produced Johnny Hallyday’s album Rock’n'Roll Attitude and also his stage-show, followed by Le Tour de France 1988 of France Gall in 1987. In 1978, he composed the musical: Starmania, with lyrics by Luc Plamondon. The musical starred France Gall, Daniel Balavoine, Diane Dufresne, Nanette Workman, Eric Estève and Fabienne Thibeault. It was a big success in France in the 1980s and 1990s. An English version: Tycoon was released in 1991 with lyrics by Tim Rice, but it did not achieve the success the original version had in France. Partnered by producer Jerome Savary, and by lyricist Luc Plamondon in 1980, he produced the musical La Légende de Jimmy, inspired by the life of James Dean. However, this bombed. Dreams in stone, was conceived as an American musical, co-arranged with Michel Bernholc, recorded in the United States. The show never saw the light of day, but the album was nevertheless released in 1982. The album was a complete flop and is not well-known, although some traces of it exist on fansites. As composer, Berger scored several film projects, which included Mektoub, a 1970 film by Algerian Director Ali Ghalem, Robert Benayoun’s Sérieux comme le plaisir in 1975, Jean-Paul Rappeneau’s Tout feu, tout flamme in 1982 and Rive droite, rive gauche the 1984 film by Philippe Labro. He is also known for his Orangina advertisement jingle.
Berger was one of a handful of French artists who participated readily and actively in humanitarian acts: in 1985, he worked exclusively for Action Écoles alongside France Gall, Richard Berry and Daniel Balavoine, then later for Ethiopia with Renaud (Chanteurs Sans Frontières) and for Les Restos du cœur with comedian Coluche. On 2 August 1992, a few weeks after the first album of duets with France Gall came out, Michel Berger died of a heart attack, in the middle of a tennis match. He is buried in the cimetière de Montmartre in Paris. His untimely death came as a shock to many people because he had been one of the most popular French singer-songwriter of the 70’s and 80’s. Moreover, unlike many pop stars, he came across as a nice and simple man, more interested in music and family life than in rock & roll excesses. As a matter of fact, his marriage with France Gall was remarkably stable.
Studio albums Michel Berger (Le coeur brisé) (1973) Live albums Michel Berger au Théâtre des Champs-Élysées (1980) Listen Michel Berger on 121 Web Radio ! |
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